


Mother Russia

by HarmoniaChimera



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Anapestic Tetrameter, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Double Anal Penetration, Drinking Games, Hardcore, Hardware, M/M, Multi, Prose Poem, Threesome - M/M/M, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:13:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21932779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarmoniaChimera/pseuds/HarmoniaChimera
Summary: Rating:DP for 'Deadpool'.Warnings:Well, it's Deadpool, so... a small orgy, an overabundance of bad jokes, all-around weirdness, hardcore hardware fucking, anapestic tetrameter
Relationships: Piotr Rasputin/Nathan Summers/Wade Wilson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	Mother Russia

**Author's Note:**

> Merry fucking Christmas, everybody 👀

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the mansion  
Not a mutant was stirring, not even small moans of passion.  
Putting on my cherry chapstick, lips smacking with delight,  
I turn back ‘round to Cable with my gaze all alight.  
“Of my wife you remind me,” I wistfully purr,  
Scooting a little closer to the robo-monsieur.  
 _((But... we don’t have a wife.))_  
 **[Glad I don’t have to be the one to tell you.]**  
Shut up, will you, guys? I’m trying to preen my pea-cock here!  
 _((That sounds about right.))_  
You two idiots have no taste for the finer of things,  
Not even jolly parodicals of jesters and kings.  
But I shan’t fall nor falter, nor shall I be swayed,  
For my muse is beside me and he shan’t be betrayed.

**[Ohh, boy.]**   
_((No, no, this is entertaining. I’m half-inclined to dust off my boombox and blast ‘Bangarang’ to this.))_

The sweet, innocent Cable makes no move nor a sound  
Even when I’m adjusting my crotch space, then inbound  
I shall be to his side, throw my arm ‘round the back,  
The couch giving in slightly with a near-silent crack.  
I lean in something close as I reach for the bottle,  
Well prepared for my part in the upcoming battle.

 **[You suck at rhyming, Wade.]**  
You can go fuck right off, disembodied bracket voices.  
Your insults hold no sway over my wording choices.

_((10 points to Wadenclaw.))_   
**[...]**

“Drinking’s never the answer,” I say as I pour,  
The amber-like liquid making sounds I adore  
As it fills the rich crystal, oh, up to the brim  
Which I promptly divide and offer one up to him.  
Cable sneers, but accepts; and when he gulps it all down,  
I can’t help but stare avidly at his face, at his frown  
When the liquor burns a hole in his tongue, and the way  
His throat bobs like an apple... or a dead guy in a bay.

“You’re so usually quiet, I love that about you,”  
I joke once again, and when I’m just about to  
Give it up and just slump in my seat in defeat...  
 _((Now, that was a good one.))_  
...Cable suddenly bursts into laughter upbeat  
And so strong that his vein would pop out of his neck  
Was it not for the fact it was... all biotech.

“You’re an idiot,” he says, his voice sweetened with mirth  
Making my pea-cock swell gladly both in size and in girth.  
 **[They’re the same, you dumb ass.]** Well, I must disagree  
For there’s a huge difference in height and width of a tree:  
One means wildly more wood and a big, richer crown,  
And the other just means it’s really fucking _hard_... to cut down.

Anyway, his chuckle sends warm chills down my spine...  
 **[”Warm chills?” Really? You a poet or just swine?  
 _Please_ stop--I can’t look at this catastrophe, moron.]** _  
_For you, my dear bracketed friend, it is ‘oxy-moron’.  
Now, please, if I may, I’d like to return to my work  
Instead of tetrameter-fighting with an entitled bold jerk.

 _((In your face, Madcap. 15 points to Effin-dor.))  
_ **[Someone, please, cut this idiot in two, maybe four.]  
** _((Ooh, what’s that smell? a comic book reference?))  
_ **[That would be just the odor of your reverence  
‘Cause you’re currently sitting there stroking yourself  
Fantasizing o’ being fucked when dressed as an elf.]**

Well... Touché. I pull my hand out and wipe the smegm off,  
And thankfully, Cable doesn’t notice anything’s... well, off.  
So I pour another round, slide the glass up to him  
Though suggesting he should maybe keep an eye on the whim  
To drink still more and more ‘cause in truth, that shit’s strong  
And I wouldn’t want his subsystems to go feeling all wrong.  
“I’m fine, thanks,” he just says, in a cynical voice  
But it seems he just makes a deliberate choice  
To put in some launch codes and try out his luck  
With the sweet, sweet embrace of Program: Self-Destruct.

So I kick out the thought that says: _((You can’t let him do that!))  
_ And instead realize I’m like three thousand cats  
Fused together into this sexy and bizarre uni-package  
And this whole self-harm thing just sounds like a challenge.  
So I pose one to him--not outright, God forbid,  
Just suggesting that maybe I can do what he did  
Coming still out on top; Cable looks straight at me,  
His eyes cold and jaw firm as he says, “Ah, I see.”  
And then just grabs the bottle and chugs it all down,  
Making me, with my half-empty glass, just look like a clown.

But before I resupply and get to follow suit,  
I can hear metallic steps in heavy combat boots.  
Then the big guy comes in, looks at me and at Cable,  
With one glance takes in the sorry state of the table;  
His great chest heaves with worry as he breaths, "Boże moy,  
You two are truly a pair of silly American boys."  
"I'm Canadian, you hollow-point tin round," I say,  
Appalled to be counted as part of those clichés,  
But then Colly's arms cross, his metal brows falling low  
As he asks darkly: "That is still in North America, no?”

“Now, vhat is happening?” he continues on sternly.  
His eyes flick between us, biceps flexing up firmly  
As he crosses his arms, and my poor drunken mind  
Keeps analyzing his plates so perfectly aligned  
With the contours of his strong, metallic, firm body...  
But hey, on the other hand, I’d fuck anybody,  
So I guess someone huge, metal, and able  
Isn’t that far away from my infatuation with Cable...

Which I still feel inside when I look back at him,  
Still a bit hot and bothered from my recent prelim,  
But before I can think of another clever line  
Colossus comes and produces a whole bottle of wine  
And locking eyes with us, proceeds to eat it all up:  
And I mean ALL of it, easily more than six cups  
Worth of liquor, plus the foil, plus the cork, plus the glass,  
The WHOLE bottle disappearing down his neck like foie gras;  
Leaving Cable and me sitting there with jaws hanging,  
As we hear bits and pieces of it banging and clanging  
Inside Colly’s sexy, hollow, heavy metal, pinstriped shell,  
When he comes over to us and eats our bottle as well.  
“I think that settles that,” he says perfectly calm,  
Glass still crunching in his teeth, the cork rolling in his palm.  
“What the fuck,” Cable says just as I retort,  
My mouth dry with awe, “Whoa, that’s a deep throat...”

Some laughs later, a few glasses, an occasional pun,  
We’re all sitting at the table, having some more fun,  
Though Colossus won’t eat any of Xavier’s crystal  
And he made me lock away each and every pistol.  
 _((What a buzzkill.))_ I know, right? And the worst part must be  
That it really feels bad that he still doesn’t trust me.  
 **[Which does not help your whole ‘I’m a bad boy’ routine.]**  
Now you got it! And even the rhyming, too, bean.  
Finally! **[You’re insane.]** No shit, Sherlock. **[Mad galore.]**  
 _((Oh, just come to the Dark Side. We’ve got blood, fun, and gore.))_  
 **[No, I’m done. This is it. Stop the train and I’m out.]**  
Oh, Cappie. We’re just joking. No need to whine and pout.

Speaking of... Wine flows freely, Colly’s stiff, Cable’s sad,  
But before-- **[Wait, wait, what? What was that?]** _((Oh, die mad.))_  
 **[No, I mean it. Cable’s WHAT?]** Oh, yeah, right--he’s so drunk  
He’s all weepy ‘bout his wife. Must be something in his junk.  
 _((Pretty sure that tears come from a bit higher up.))_  
I’d say that depends on the tears... and the rub.  
 **[Put him out of misery. And me, too, while you’re at it.]**  
How dare you? Suggesting something so awful and unfit?  
No, Cable only needs some love and attention.  
So I turn mine to him, though with some apprehension:  
We all know how he is, volatile and unstable.  
 **[Coming from your merc mouth, that’s--]** Back to Cable!

Both Colossus and me move to him together:  
Colly with his arms all wrapped in Russia leather,  
And me? Carrying the torch of, well... just liquor,  
Set alight with some lemon and a soft, glinting flicker.  
“Shots!” I yell, pulling them away from their moment  
And presenting them kindly with my humble bestowment.  
Colly shakes his head at me, but Cable votes Wade   
Gulping down the entire tray of Beyonce’s lemonade.  
 _((Oh, wowie.))_ **[Oh-ho, boy.]** Oh, boy, indeed,  
For the drinks ignite not only his throat, but his need:  
The aforementioned one, of love and attention,  
And the room soon starts buzzing with sexual tension.

 _((I think you maybe missed a few steps in here, Wade?))  
_ **[’Maybe’?]** Well, this is getting too long, I’m afraid,  
So it’s just a few shortcuts and cutting some corners,  
Plus a bit of my want to make the mood slightly warmer.

We end up in Colly’s bed, the change quick even for me,  
So I excuse myself while ignoring Colossus’ silent plea  
Not to leave him alone with the cyborg psychopath  
But there’s things I need to do, including a bath.  
 **[That we can all agree on.]** But alas, no amount  
Of soap and/or lather, not even the fount  
Can wash out the jumble of my dirty thoughts,  
Especially not after all of those shots.

So I go back to them, humbled, defeated,  
Hoping at least my elf costume will be properly greeted,  
But both Cable and Colly are busy with kissing...  
Seems like there’s a lot I might’ve been missing.  
But Colly looks to me from above Cable’s face  
Almost like he’s in need of some actual space,  
So I slip in between them, armed with stockings and charm,  
My hands and my tongue tracing up Cable’s arm.  
“Show me the hardware,” I whisper in his ear,  
And Nathan, being the crazy puppeteer,  
Pulls me in close, but instead of the stuff,  
I’m made to join their kiss with an impatient huff.

The three-way has me sizzling; Colly’s eyes flash in panic  
Even though his crotch’s bursting with something titanic  
Until Cable finally decides to let him go  
And instead turn to me with an excited glow.  
“You’re so drunk,” I say chuckling while Colossus recovers,  
But Cable flashes me a grin that screams lovers  
As he reaches oh, so low to cup my own hardware,  
My hand mindlessly exploring what’s left of his hair.  
“You love that about me,” he murmurs, almost coy,  
Then with a sharper edge, he adds, “don’t you, boy?”

I look at the cam and point straight at the sound guy  
Who stares at me shocked like she didn’t know I was bi--  
 **[I think you mean ‘sound gal’.]** That is awfully sexist  
And the thought that you make it seem like I’m from Texas  
Is frankly, even worse. Who the fuck am I to tell some  
Girls I don’t know who they can or cannot become?  
 **[...]** So I look at the sound guy and I say, “Cue the music.”  
 _‘Careless Whisper’_ starts playing as I kiss all the bruises  
I can find on Cable’s skin--not that there is a lot  
But I guess all of us have pretty much squat  
In terms of a _derma,_ or _cutis_ , if you will.  
Though it still does require quite a lot of skill  
To find places Cable likes to have touched, loved, or kissed,  
Judging not by his moans but whether he clenches his fists.  
Lucky for him, I like me a challenge, a puzzle,  
And sooner than later I have him all wet and nuzzled  
Into my hands as I pull him for yet another kiss,  
While Colly slips in behind me, my mouth giving a hiss  
When his icy cold body presses against my bare thighs  
And I end up all but sandwiched between two metal guys.

Colly whines in my neck, grinding hips to the rhythm,  
As if blindly following an internal algorithm,  
All while Cable roughly presses his chapped lips to mine,  
His cyborg eye blinking as his nerves come on-line.  
Just in time, I must say, as my hands slip inside  
Of his pants and then boxers, to the spots all untried,  
And I close my fist around him, his skin like raw hide…  
Then I feel two big hands, cold as metal, as they slide  
Down _my_ skirt, to the stockings, then back up, just outside,  
Bumping into Cable’s palms, my dick beaming with pride  
As it gets the attention and the pressure applied  
After my costume’s raked up and my thong pulled aside.

 _((Whoo! C-c-c-c-c-combo!))_ Thank you, darling—  
And had it not been for the Cable all snarling  
With arousal at my neck, I’d have said the same to him;  
But before I could blink, he threw me a look way too grim  
For the scene at, hmm, hand, and pulled me down all the way  
Down, down, down… as I grin and think: _((Oh, boy, I’m so gay!))_

“Mm, come to Deaddy,” I mutter as Cable rolls his eyes  
Just before I settle in and peel off the disguise  
From his dick—then he gasps, murmurs, hisses, and then groans,  
His fist closing on my skull (you can hear the crack of bones),  
While Colossus, bless his soul, pulls my hips up in the air.  
My feet dangling helplessly, I can feel his hot stare  
Which makes blood boil in my veins and flow down to my head  
Still held down to Cable’s crotch. Yet does wake the Little Dead  
As it all _pools_ up inside me; then Colossus’s tongue joins  
Into the fray, slick metal sliding down my hole, and my loins  
Erupt with fire, the sensations making me all heady,  
And soon is moaning and huffing even the Big Deaddy.

As Cable’s fervor dies down, my throat opening up  
To the blissful air once again, I dream of a pile-up:  
Colly down, me on top, Cable, rough, topping me…  
‘Cause I know the big guy’s rank in the Top Gay since we—  
Well, it started as a joke, somehow turned into The Talk,  
And before the night was through, I knew Colly’s less a jock  
And more an opportunist, assuming “opportunity”  
Means getting fucked in the ass by the rest of the community.  
Bottom of the spectrum that one, there’s no doubt,  
But the whole Metal Body thing is fucking up my layout  
As I try to imagine titanium rings stretching wide  
And instead only manage to get my brain all fried.  
So I pull away from Cable, my shins snugly resting  
In the crooks of Colly’s elbows while he’s testing  
The expanse of _my_ ass with his big metal tongue,  
And I give myself a minute to enjoy the tight-strung  
Metal muscles wrapped around me, and the cool, pleasant feeling…  
Till the thoughts soon return to my head, thoughts of kneeling,  
Thoughts of eyes rolling up to the ceiling, and the squealing,  
The concealing, the revealing, the appealing, and the reeling,  
And the whirlwhind of emotions, getting ready Deaddy, steeling  
Myself up for what’s to cum, thanking God for the healing.

 **[I must say, I’m impressed.]** Aww, that’s sweet, thank you, Cap,  
But let’s not let us forget that you’re not in this, chap,  
So I’d much appreciate you not breaking up my fun  
‘Cause my dick’s full of joy, my thighs squeeze Colly’s guns,  
Until I can extricate myself from his grasp  
Barely breathing, barely thinking, my ass hot, voice a rasp  
As I stare him in the eye, give my lip a little bite:  
“How about you turn back into the giant flesh light?”  
Colly huffs and then pouts, raises brow, purses lips.  
“I just ate two whole bottles,” his voice sounds like rusty snips,  
And I sigh as my fantasy falls apart, my ass sloppy,  
My head spinning and my dick… well, the opposite of “floppy”.

Cable comes to the rescue: pulls me into his lap,  
My and Colly’s spit mixing on his cock, his arms wrap  
‘Round my torso and tear off what is left of my dress,  
Baring my ugly, burnt and yet shockingly well-built chest.  
I gasp and I moan, standing full on attention,  
Flaring up under the glance filled with sexual tension  
Colly throws, taking in my whole body, served like meat  
On a platter, and I slump against Cable in defeat  
As I feel his huge hardware making use of the priming  
Colly gave me, and it’s… Oof, getting hard to do rhyming…  
 _((Something’s hard, that’s for sure.))_ **[From the sound, more than one.]**  
Yes, you’re right, that is true. We are all, pardon the pun,  
Getting to the _point_ of things, barely the _tip_ of the iceberg,  
Though I’m frankly just glad we’re not all drawn by Steinberg…

Cable grunts behind my back, rams his dick up my ass,  
And again I thank God I’m not fragile like lead glass  
As I stare up at Colly who stares back down at me,  
His grey gaze following the slick lines of the scene.  
He reaches, spreads my legs, I pull clothes off of him  
Giving him a small slap on the ass on a whim.  
He looks down. “What are you—” but I laugh before he’s through,  
Shrugging, “It just seemed the right thing to do.”

Soon, he’s kneeling before us like a statue of bronze,  
Chest and thighs fully naked, and I groan, “Come in, Alphonse,”  
As I lean back on Cable who’s still plugging me up,  
And as Colly approaches, it’s all like a dream hook-up  
Coming true right before me, or inside me, if you will,  
When he slams in his metal and I give a loud shrill.

My fists clench on Cable’s arms and he lets out a hiss,  
Pulling my head back roughly as my toes curl in bliss.  
“What the hell?” he mutters in my ear, his voice cold,  
Even though I can’t hold it when they tear open my hole.  
His cyborg chest heaves, burning hot against my back,  
The metal of his pec and his arm glistening with the black  
Seeping out through the cracks, spreading down my pink scars  
When he grasps my throat tight, so damn tight I see stars…  
So I put it on pause, give the camera a wink:  
I am _loving_ this game of the Doms and the Twink!

“Hey, you’re bleeding,” I tease and Cable gives a wry chuckle,  
“No, _you’re_ bleeding,” he says, squeezing my ass as it buckles  
Under the barrage of not one, but two dicks,  
And I have to admit, it does feel a little _too_ slick.  
I can feel my poor, tight, battered hole scream and reel,  
As it’s being stretched wide and slapped by balls of steel.  
“We need lube,” I sigh softly, looking up at Colossus,  
But he doesn’t react, it’s like something possesses  
His big-chunk-of-metal head, though I can’t tell which one…  
Still, even as he takes me hard, rough and fast, comes undone,  
Turns me into his personal whore, full of cum and debased,  
I say softly, “Is there any motor oil in this place?”

He laughs, slipping out, collapses back on the bed.  
I shoot him a wide grin, though I’m still being bred  
Without mercy by Cable, who shoves it all the way in,  
His hand and his metal raking across my flayed skin.  
He goes wild: screams escape his rough, stubbled throat  
As he lays destruction to my hole, and devote  
I sure am to the pleasure of his cock, till at last,  
Feelings build, crash together, intertwine, and amass,  
And I scream my head off, spurting jizz straight at Colly  
Who ducks and just by inches avoids my white, thick volley.

I slip off, barely upright as I’m spent beyond belief,  
Lying next to Colossus with a, “You okay, chief?  
Should I maybe make a round down to the gas station?”  
“Enough!” they both said with exhausted exclamation.  
Cable props himself up, his left eye with a lag  
Follows Colly as he groans and outfits me with a gag.  
I enjoy it more than ever, watching them share a look;  
Cable, dazed, makes it clear what he wants, and the book  
Goes out the window as Colly groans and surrenders,  
Turning Cable around, their joint movements almost tender…  
So I watch as Colossus slips right there behind him:  
His moves gentle and soft as he aligns limb to limb  
And when he starts pushing in, I can feel myself blushing  
'Cause Colossus sighs deeply, uttering: "Oh, Mother Russia..."

**Epilogue:**

_“Now, blowing which one of you will end up getting me a mercury poisoning faster?”_   
_“…Mercury?”_   
_“You’re right, it’s… Ooh! *looks over to Quicksilver’s room*”_   
_“Wade. No.”_   
_“*sigh* Some other time, then. *looks straight at the camera and winks*”_


End file.
